i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
it hurts more in the daytime
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
