somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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