in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
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