I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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