YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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