I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
