I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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