I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
