he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
