I faked an abortion last night.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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