So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
i think my cat just said my name.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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