I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
