My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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