Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
