Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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