so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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