What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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