I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just found puke in my bra..
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No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
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Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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