i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
