Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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