She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
