Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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