woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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