I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
