I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
