im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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