i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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