If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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