He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize