Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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