I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
