OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
