he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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