I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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