Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
i think i just lost a toe
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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