The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
