The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
