the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
