my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
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gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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