Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
someone threw a dead crab at me
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
