be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
