Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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