the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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