Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
