i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
