When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
