You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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