I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
