if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
