went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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