she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
