Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
