i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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