well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
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You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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