Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
