John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
