Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
