She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
