I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
