what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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