Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
