haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
