i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
